Self-love before In-love
Part 5 of 5
i do not want to have you to fill the empty part of me
i want to be full on my own
i want to be so complete i could light a whole city and then
i want to have you
cause the two of us combined could set it on fireRupi Kaur
It’s part 5 of our journey on self-love before in-love. We’ve explored a few dangers on what can happen when we dive into love before cultivating self-love, why self-love is a calling to our best version and how knowing ourselves enables for us to set boundaries and keep us safe while we love others. Today to wrap it all up I want to talk about expectations; expectations for ourselves and for others.
We’ve all heard that the fastest way to disappointment is expectation. After all if you don’t expect anything, then nothing can let you down. You take it as it comes, you celebrate when it’s good but aren’t surprised when it isn’t.
For some time I bought into this idea, I started to believe I was expecting too much and that’s why I always felt let down, so I stopped asking and I stopped expecting but ironically I still seemed to demand too much just by being. What I hadn’t considered was that my “too much” was only considered that by those who didn’t match my lifestyle, my expectations of myself. Life has a funny way of shoving in our face the truths of our existence even when we strive to run away from them.
During one of my many conversations with a close friend of mine, I mentioned I was tired from my 13-hour shift but really needed a workout, so I would change and head to the gym before taking my nap. They chuckled, laughed really and said something that kind of changed my life a little, “Kathy, you demand greatness without asking for it. The way you live and how you move requires for those who want to remain close to you to be their greatest. It can be scary for most but to me, it just makes me want to be better. Thank you.”
I was speechless. You mean to tell me I’m not too much for wanting more? I’m not expecting unrealistically when I request matched energy? The thing is guys, I wasn’t requesting anymore, I was expecting my best from me and those around me were there because they did the same, for me and themselves.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying drop your friends or anyone that’s not trying to be their best. I have moments when I KNOW I’m far from the person I’m meant to be. As I’ve mentioned before, this isn’t a journey of the up and up till we reach a peak; it’s messy, it’s ugly, it’s cyclical but I know not to remain down. I know what I expect of me and knowing that allows for me to know what to expect from others in their relation to me. You can accept and love people from afar. You can accept and love people and know they don’t belong in your next chapter. It’s painful, it’s uncomfortable but love yourself enough to have expectations.
For me, I know I’ve worked hard to be where I’m at. I’ve done therapy sessions, gym sessions, whole 7-hour car rides with tears and prayer and cursing and self-reflecting till I had processed what haunted me. I expect myself to not respond negatively when someone lashes out. I expect myself to be empathetic and convert whatever negative energy comes my way and turn it into something positive. My expectations of myself are high and therefore I expect the same from those close to me.
Are their goals going to look like mine? No, they’re not meant to. We’re all created with individual talents for our own callings but their pursuit of that individual calling will look similar. When you love yourself you’ll expect the best out of you, when you love another you won’t let them dim down to anything but the best you see in them.
Expect people to enter your life to share their wholeness with you. We’re not out here looking for other halves, you’ll recognize your whole when you’re whole. You’ve fought hard to be here. Expect those closest to you to do the same because the love you have for you is the love you have for them.
Great expectations are better than a poor possession.Miguel De Cervantes